“I’m there, but not in the midst of things — that makes me feel very lonely.”

It feels very similar to my depression. I’m there, but not in the midst of things— that makes me feel very lonely. I thought I was kind of the weird, lonely one. I always sat alone in lectures, didn’t talk to anyone. I thought… I don’t know… that I must just seem really weird.

I find my loneliness very uncomfortable. I’m still trying to see the kind of ‘superpower’ in it. With sadness or disappointment or anger— at least there’s something driving it. I don’t know what is driving the loneliness yet.

When Manifestation Becomes a Daily Ritual

I’m a little afraid that certain topics might come up that could make me sad. This is generally a very sensitive topic for me. And yeah… it could open up something or trigger something. This is better than winning the lottery. You can manifest so much more. No one gives a s***. Do you want us to feel sorry for you? I’m not going to feel sorrow for you.

Part of my daily routine is watching videos from YouTubers who make content about manifestation. I basically have them in my ear all the time.

“Every day, it’s me who decides who I am. That gives me a real boost.”

What I love is that you get this sense of power— that you’re truly the creator of your own reality. You don’t need astrology or anything outside yourself: Every day, it’s me who decides who I am. That gives me a real boost.

Hi, I’m Vane Lynn. I’m 34 years old, a Gemini, and I’m a trained actress, host, voice actor, mental coach, photographer, lecturer and model. Good morning from Alexandria and me. We’re starting the day with some stretching and a drink made of barley grass, celery, cucumber and collagen, to tighten my skin from the inside. I also love to sing, especially metal— not heavy metal, more like metalcore. I definitely don’t see myself as a victim— I see myself more as the main character. Not above anyone else, not at all— but I have my own center, a bubble that helps me move forward.

People say, ‘What do you mean you’re not doing well? Everything’s great— you have a great job, you look great, you have so much.’ They list everything I have, and I’m like, yeah, thanks— but then they take away your right to feel bad or lonely sometimes.

I achieve everything I want. I achieve everything I want. And I let go of everything that blocks me. I’m allowed to be myself. I’m allowed to be myself. I am popular, loved and protected. I love you. Please forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. Peace. I achieve everything I want. Very good.

On a scale from zero to ten, my loneliness is at an eleven.

The Love-Hate Relationship With Instagram

Instagram is a kind of love hate thing for me. On the one hand, I love that I can fully express myself there. But it’s also exhausting when you start worrying about missing out— or not posting enough. I basically feel lonely all the time. It affects me most of all in my private life. When I’m at work, I don’t even have time to think about it. But the feeling is still there. I’m always giving 110 percent. I think that’s why, when I’m alone, it all comes back twice as strong.

“Like a beach ball you keep pushing underwater, and at some point it just bursts back up.”

That’s why it feels so intense in my private life— so much that at times I didn’t even want a private life.

The “Dark Passenger” That Rides Along

I tend to be a bit of a workaholic. Then when the curtain falls, there’s nothing there. I think you just accept it as this ‘dark passenger’ riding with you in the car. You can’t kick it out— it’s just there, buckled in. I’d love to kick it out and have it never come back. Sundays are some of the worst days, because everything slows down even more. Then I have this image in my head: Other couples, families spending their Sunday together. And I realize I’m usually alone— lonely.

Moving Cities, Losing Connection Among Young Adults

I still don’t feel like I’ve arrived here, even though I’ve been here almost four years. The mentality is definitely a factor. The local dialect even has its own word just for people not from here. That says a lot about the place. I moved to Stuttgart in 2021 for my job at the time. My former best friend had lived here for years, so I already had a connection with the city. Then I realized that relationship was consuming more energy than it was giving to me.

I think women can talk more with each other and share difficult emotions— like loneliness. I don’t think men can do that. Even if I still had that relationship with my best friend, it wouldn’t be like, ‘We can hug and cry together,’ because then people immediately add this weird sexual connotation— like ‘no homo.’ Which is complete nonsense. That’s got nothing to do with it. My brother is basically the only family I have. I don’t feel much connection to my parents or grandparents. Just knowing I can share something with someone helps.

When Loneliness Feels Like a Personal Flaw

Loneliness gets dangerous when you’re stuck with your own four walls and you can’t share anything. Loneliness feels like a personal flaw. I’m 33, I don’t have kids or a relationship. I start thinking ‘I don’t have that— what am I doing wrong? What’s wrong with me?’

I think the first time I really felt lonely was when my eating disorder started. I’m happy with my body, and I know I look healthy. I’m not too big, not too thin. I like my long legs. I love my hair, my eyes. But then I look in the mirror and think, okay, my upper arms are too big, or my thighs rub together in the summer and it hurts. That’s still really hard for me to accept, because I wish I looked different than I do right now.

“Loneliness almost feels like a failing. Perhaps because I’m ashamed of being lonely.”

I like to dress in casual clothes. I also like dressing more masculine— or whatever people call masculine. I get a lot of strange looks in Cottbus. Loneliness almost feels like a failing. Perhaps because I’m ashamed of being lonely, and feel like I don’t value the friendships I do have enough. I don’t know why… I used to get reactions like I somehow wasn’t okay just the way I am. So I started pretending— especially when I wasn’t sure what people thought of me. I’d try to figure out first if I could be myself or not.

Facing Hostility in Cottbus

We haven’t had arson attacks here, but we’ve had fascist groups show up twice, causing trouble, doing Hitler salutes. One time there were ten or eleven kids— no older than 11 or 12— all masked up, walking past shouting, ‘Smash the punks!’ I was like, ‘What’s going on?’ I’ve heard things like, ‘You leftist b***h! I hope your family dies! I hope you get raped, since you’re a woman!’

But the worst part is the looks you get in Cottbus. When you are a woman who doesn’t look the way most people here want you to. It definitely makes me anxious about meeting new people, because you never know right away what someone’s like, if they think like you. I’m often afraid to meet new people because I’m afraid of confrontation.

For me, it’s like I don’t see anyone for six months, and then for six months I plan two meetings a day. That sums it up— my swings are really intense. Perhaps I can offer some inspiration— because I’ve been through these phases many times: Lonely, not lonely, lonely again. You always get out of it eventually. Maybe that will help someone.

Feeling Like a Ghost in a New City

I moved here in October at the start of the semester. When I arrived, I felt like a ghost. You’re kind of invisible— everyone else has a life, knows the place, has their people. And you’re just there, but no one notices you.

A good friend of mine started studying here at the same time. She’s from Munich. And my ex boyfriend also moved here and started studying. So I knew them. It was pretty tough because I didn’t really find my place. My days were a bit of university and then 15 hours of sleep. You don’t want to get up when life doesn’t feel worth living.

“I kicked myself and said, ‘Just do it — talk to your friend! Grab that coffee! Live your life!'”

I kind of kicked myself and said, ‘Just do it— talk to your friend! Grab that coffee! Live your life! You didn’t move to Freiburg, graduate high school, and grow up just to do nothing!’ So I actively tried to meet people. I thought I was kind of the weird, lonely one. I always sat alone in lectures, didn’t talk to anyone. I thought I must just seem really weird.

FOMO and the Exhaustion of Staying Connected

I saw that story and felt like I was back in eighth grade— seeing best friends hanging out and you’re not there. I was sick this week for two or three days. I felt like so much was happening— I had serious FOMO. I get that. It’s a huge thing for us.

Our friend group hangs out every day, so you feel like you always have to text, always be there— not just because of FOMO, but to stay part of the group. It’s exhausting. You’re offline for three hours and there are 50 messages. You’re like, ‘What happened?’ You miss one reply and suddenly there’s a candlelight dinner and you’re not there. You take one day off your phone and everything happens. Socially, it’s just really exhausting.

I always have the option— because I have Felix— to just do something as a couple. Relationships in that sense— mashallah! With new friendships, you don’t really know who people are yet— their qualities, their character, how they’ll handle situations or treat you. There’s always the risk that those friendships will end at any moment, because that foundation of trust isn’t there yet.

Strangers Meeting to Talk About Youth Loneliness

I’m on my way to Mainz to talk about loneliness with three other people. It’s pretty unusual to talk about the topic at all, but especially with people I don’t know. It feels like the first day of school— being the first one there and wondering what your new classmates will be like. I was really nervous. I saw Gordon sitting outside and didn’t know if I should go up to him or not. I took an extra five minutes to properly arrive.

Hi, I’m Ellen. Do you have henna tattoos? Yeah. The freckles too— they’re all fake. I’d say I’m an open, extroverted person— but the situation has to feel right. I need to feel comfortable to be that way. It took a little effort at first— with the age difference, and the gender difference too— but that faded pretty quickly.

What do you do? Right now, I’m unemployed and looking for work. Before that, I managed an NGO in education. I’m actually a teacher, but the system and I… yeah.

Doom scrolling as a Coping Mechanism for Loneliness

I really notice the intense doom scrolling, especially when I’m alone at home. The phone is basically a connection to feel some kind of fake closeness. At the same time, it makes you feel even lonelier.

I’d sleep 15 hours and spend the other nine in front of a screen, because it kind of pulls you away from your own reality and your thoughts. Do you think that’s good, watching that stuff? Of course not. I was doing badly. But that was my way of coping.

“It’s kind of dumb, but if you switch your life off and turn on the internet, it feels like you just traveled too.”

It’s kind of dumb, but it’s also like… there’s this FOMO thing, right? Someone’s traveling and you feel bad about your life. But if you just switch your life off and turn on the internet, it feels like you just traveled too, because you watched that vlog. I think it’s really just that dopamine kick. At the same time, like I said, it makes me lonelier. Social media is completely curated. People only post what looks amazing.

Life as a Micro-Influencer: Visibility Without Real Connection

When people hear I work with Instagram, they instantly have an image of me, and I’m an outsider. Well, not an outsider exactly, but they put me on a pedestal. I feel like I have to deliver something I can’t actually deliver, and then it gets hard.

I think I have around 26,000 to 27,000 now. So, micro influencer. I’m not ashamed of it. I’m proud of it. But I miss being seen without that lens. That’s really hard.

On the one hand, I’m not that alone. I have a lot of people— I call them my ‘crew.’ ‘Friends’ feels complicated, ‘acquaintances’ feels too little. ‘Crew’ sounds cooler. But they’re all in different places in life. Most interviews about loneliness I’ve seen were with models. That path people describe— it fits. You go to castings alone, get a thousand rejections, keep going. Life moves fast, people are replaceable. You need a thick skin, and you’re completely isolated, even though you’re always around people.

“A few days ago, a friend told me, ‘You’re too pretty, too young and too successful to be lonely.’ I told him that was really dumb.”

An Early Diagnosis That Shaped Everything

I had anorexia when I was younger. I spent about a year and a half in clinics and hospitals. I was 12. It really shaped me. It started when I was 11, on vacation. My mom and sister asked why I wasn’t eating. I was a kid— I didn’t understand. I still have the same thought patterns. My body needs more now, but my mind says I can’t have more. It’s a constant battle.

The eating disorder made me much lonelier. Between 12 and 15, I barely had friends. When I came back from the clinic, I was always ‘the girl with the eating disorder.’ I never felt like a normal teenager again.

Coming home alone. That moment. My cat’s waiting for me— that helps. But it’s still this… ambivalence. There’s no middle ground. Even in relationships, when I have them. It’s something inside. Coming home. The apartment’s empty and dark. That’s when loneliness really hits.

There’s that longing for a partner, sure… but as you said, you can feel deeply lonely even in a relationship. It runs through everything for me— you have to work hard to be loved. Always perform, always deliver, always at a high level. I know that from my parents, especially my dad. I don’t remember hearing ‘I’m proud of you.’

Fear, Trust, and the Need to Understand Why

I never had that sense of trust. That things would work out. The opposite of fear is security. I’ve felt anxious my whole life. Last year I read ‘Fabian: The Story of a Moralist.’ by Erich Kästner. The cover shows people dancing and celebrating, with one person turned away, just observing. That’s how I usually feel— like I’m there, but not really part of things. That makes me very lonely. I’ve known this feeling since childhood— that connections don’t last. It stays with me.

It’s hard not to see it as a failing in myself. I think men struggle more with sitting in these emotions without trying to fix them right away. It’s important to give them space and time, instead of jumping to solutions like ‘Go out,’ ‘Have a drink,’ or ‘Smoke.’ None of that helps.

You said you don’t even know why you feel this way. That’s what annoys me most— feeling bad without knowing why. If you know why, it’s not as bad. I talk about this stuff a lot. Especially with my boyfriend. That really helps.

Childhood Pressure, Comparison, and a Friend Group That Walked Away

I’ve had similar experiences. Not with sports, but with pressure growing up. I was always very thin, and people kept saying, ‘Don’t your parents feed you? You’re so skinny.’ Over and over. At some point, I realized being thin was seen as something positive. At the same time, there was pressure to perform. My parents are both academics. My brother is probably highly gifted, plays chess with himself and all that. We compared report cards every year, and his were always better.

I thought, there’s one thing I can be the best at— being thin. So I stopped eating for a year. I lost a lot of weight. I shaved my head at 13 because I felt different inside. Then I started wearing makeup, hanging out with older guys. I became ‘cool.’ Got invited to parties. Then came graduation. My friend group abandoned me when I went through a depressive phase. My best friend of 12 years told me I belonged in a mental hospital and that no one would believe anything I would say because I was crazy.

“My self image was so damaged. I thought I had recovered from earlier years, but then it hit again at 18.”

I kept thinking— when does this stop? I don’t like going back to Heilbronn. I always felt like an alien there, like I didn’t understand this planet. That was my whole world growing up. I lived in that room by the window. I moved out at 18, right after graduation, into a room with my boyfriend. I remember lying there in the dark for hours, feeling very alone. Then I’d hear ‘Happy Birthday’ at midnight or see groups of 30 or 40 people outside having fun. And I wasn’t part of it. I was inside, alone.

A Sailboat With Broken Sails: Letting Go of a Relationship

In the past two months, not one person asked how I was doing. Everyone only asked about my ex. Today, I came up with a metaphor. In Heilbronn, I’m a sailboat with broken sails, drifting. I tried so many times— with friends, relationships— to finally reach a harbor, to arrive somewhere, to repair myself and heal. But I always got turned away.

After telling my ex I didn’t want to see him anymore, I felt pretty bad. It was a big decision. We knew each other for three and a half years and spent almost every day together. There were times I thought I couldn’t live without him. But now it’s a huge and important phase for me. For the first time in years, I’m independent again. It’s a big step in growing up.

The Silence Around Saying “I’m Lonely”

How often do you hear someone say ‘I’m lonely’ in a week, a month, a year? The fact that I have to really think about the last time I heard that from someone— or said it myself… I really notice it in my circle— no one talks about it, no matter their age. My mom has never actually said she’s lonely, but I think she feels that way a lot. My sister has never said it either, not even when she moved to a new big city.

Right now, especially in my field… that’s why you asked if I have influencer friends. I was like, ‘No!’ Not to put it down, but there just isn’t any room for this kind of depth. Which sucks, because what I’m experiencing here— having the courage to open up, to show vulnerability— it creates connection. And that’s kind of the key to at least easing that loneliness.

“‘What’s your story?’ No one has ever really asked me this. It’s been a long time — if ever.”

And then to actually be able to just let it all out in one go. On one hand, it feels really good and comforting— and honestly nice— to talk about it. But then there’s also that thought in my head: In 24 hours, I’ll be alone again, probably lonely again. Talking helps, but talking alone doesn’t change anything.

What Would Need to Change? Finding Answers to Youth Loneliness

Alright, here’s my question: What would need to change in your life so you wouldn’t feel lonely anymore? My first thought was: Leave Stuttgart. At this point, I don’t have much hope things will really change there. And I think another piece is— kind of connected to that— more basic trust, more self trust. Yeah. I think I need to step out of my comfort zone more.

You were all very clear in your answers. I thought that was really strong— and I don’t have that clarity right now. I couldn’t answer that for myself at this moment. Not at all. Do you feel lonely right now? No, right now it feels good. But in your real life? Yeah. Very. I don’t feel lonely right now. So I don’t need to change anything.

My life in Freiburg. Nice. It’s still pretty shaky, but if it stays like this— and gets stable— then I won’t feel lonely.

Leaving a City Behind to Start Over

I shaved my hair off. It happened because I just did it. It had to happen. I couldn’t have that hair on my head anymore. I’m about to leave Freiburg because I don’t like my degree anymore and it bores me. I feel really uncomfortable in the city now. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this lonely or like I was falling this hard and this fast as I have in the last three months.

I’m in Basel right now, on my way to Palermo. I’m in Paris. I just got goosebumps and tears in my eyes when I got here. Maybe it’s the place to be. I had a beautiful day alone in Paris. My boyfriend is an amazing person, and I think for the first time in a relationship, I don’t feel lonely— because I know he’s always there.

I’m on a trip right now. I actually came here for the first time last year, and that’s when I really got to know everyone. Since then, I’ve kind of become part of the group.

The Fear of Being Seen and Judged

I often try to avoid telling people that I feel lonely or that I have an eating disorder. People say, ‘You don’t look underweight, you’re not overweight, you look normal— so why do you feel lonely?’ I think it really lands when I say, ‘I was cut off from my whole life for a long time. And after that, it’s been really hard— still is— to make new friends, to connect. I often feel like I don’t belong.’

I made it a goal for this summer to go swimming. That’s a huge deal for me because I haven’t done it in years— and not once since I became an adult. I always imagined that if I went swimming somewhere public, I’d get in the lake and suddenly not feel pretty, and I’d be scared to come out of the water because people might look at me.

It would definitely change my sense of loneliness, especially in the summer, because I could spend more time with my friends and experience more instead of doing the same thing all the time.

“If I saw a shooting star, I’d wish that as a child I had never felt like something was wrong with me.”

When the pressure of loneliness or depression— or whatever it is— gets too big, I have to find a way to let it out. And now it’s about trying stand up and seeing how that feels.

Taking the Stage: Comedy, Depression, and Going Public

I’m fully nervous. Really, really nervous. It’s a premiere. That’s the art— wrapping it in humor while still making people think. Do people in your industry downplay it too— like you shouldn’t talk about it? It’s my first time, so I can’t speak for the industry. But in society— yes.

I’m actually going to a clinic soon. I’m not fully sure yet— definitely therapy, and maybe a week or two in a clinic. I started antidepressants again a month ago, and they’re helping. But I think it’s strong, you doing this.

I was first diagnosed in 2013, but I had depressive tendencies before that. I got some pretty ridiculous advice when I opened up… I played handball— a classic male dominated space. ‘Just have a smoke! Have a beer! Pull yourself together!’ And I’m like— yeah… Life goes on. Or it doesn’t— if you don’t talk about it.

Moments Without Loneliness

I met someone a few weeks ago. We’ve seen each other a few times now. It’s nice. In those moments, loneliness isn’t as present. At the same time, it almost feels a bit scary— like I’ve forgotten how to really connect with people.

When you come off stage, you don’t want to stop. When I stepped outside and took a few minutes to come down, I felt it creeping back up a bit. But there were also moments that night when I didn’t feel lonely at all. And that makes me want to do it again. I heard so many stories in that house that really moved me. Even though we’re so different, we all shared the same theme. That shifted something for me— I realized: Girl, you don’t have a private life.

Finding Calm in Yoga, Solitude, and Routine

So, the weather is typically German again, and it’s off to yoga. I don’t have much to say except I’m really curious how the session will be, since I’ve had a long break. At the end of the day, it’s about discipline and consistency.

I do yoga mainly to challenge myself. I want to see how far my body can go— but not in a competitive way. It’s about how I connect with my body. That feels really good right now, because yoga is also about being present and letting things be. So I do yoga to feel myself again, in a way.

I still don’t really have a private life, but right now, I’d say that’s just my lifestyle. It’s radical acceptance. I chose this, and I have to remind myself of that. And like everything, it has pros and cons— but I focus on the positives. That’s what matters.

Choosing Connection Over Loneliness

I’ve really noticed over the past few weeks how connected I feel to my friends— and I love it. It’s just fun being with them right now. I feel so much stronger because of my friends. It’s such a great feeling. In my twenties, I don’t want to waste so much time worrying about how I look. I want to spend more time doing things that are good for my body. That’s my goal for the next ten years.

I’m moving to a city where I know people in three apartment shares. My friend Mila lives there— in Stuttgart— where I have solid friendships, people, and places. I’m not moving somewhere where loneliness is waiting for me and no one’s there. I’m starting over again.

You do that a lot in life.